Week 8 Ultrasound

We've been anxiously awaiting this ultrasound since our first ultrasound at 7 weeks gestation (last week.) At our first ultrasound the nurse practitioner had a difficult time locating the baby in the embryonic sac, however, my hCG looked phenomenal so we were cautiously optimistic about yesterday's ultrasound. We all crossed our fingers and held our breath as we she started the ultrasound. Ovaries looked great, and the embryonic sac still looked fabulous and was appropriately sized. The nurse practitioner was still unsure of an area just on the edge of the embryonic sac, so she called the physician in to run the ultrasound. He's a wonderful physician, I understand why our IPs traveled from China to work with him! He looked at the area in question and quickly identified the yolk sac and fetal pole very happily implanted just where they should be. But the victory was short lived as the words, "Shoot, I hate it when this happens." slipped out of his mouth.

He explained that while the baby was well implanted and had all of his bits and pieces just where they should be, that he had no heartbeat. Due to what can only be chromosomal abnormalities, this little boy has appeared to stop developing. Honestly, I'm a little distraught, even after constant reassurance from the staff that there's nothing we could have done to prevent this. My heart is broken for the parents, though they seem to be taking it in stride and are feeling very confident about our next, and hopefully final, attempt.

There are many reasons I wanted to share this journey with everyone. First, infertility is an issue that we shouldn't be silent about. The amount of hurt and feelings of inadequacies that stem from infertility are things that we should be willing to build each other up about. Even though I know in my heart that there's nothing we could have done, or could have done better, to prevent the ending we got this time around it's still difficult to convince myself it's not my fault. I feel terribly guilty, and I know I shouldn't. I know even more that no one should suffer through any loss alone. I'm happy that we are sharing this journey, because I couldn't imagine mourning this loss and not having anyone know that he was there, he was real. I can't imagine how much more difficult it would be if he were my baby. I've said this many times but I will say it until my dying breath: please, please, please know that I am available to listen to anyone who feels like they need someone to reach out to.

Second, the more we talk about infertility and the choices and consequences it brings, the more we can normalize the actions of those seeking help to build their families. There is absolutely nothing shameful about seeking infertility treatments, or offering a helping hand to those seeking necessary third parties for their treatments.

At this time, all we can do is move forward and hope for success with our next attempt. The struggle with infertility is very real and is very much deserving of our attention and understanding. We're moving forward with our D&C procedure this weekend, a tender mercy I'm very grateful for. I couldn't imagine waiting to miscarry on my own knowing that the baby has already passed, a process that can sometimes take up to 5 weeks without medical intervention. Our coordinator believes it will take about 4 weeks for my blood to return to normal so we can restart with the preparations for a second embryo transfer. As always, positive thoughts and encouraging words are appreciated. Here's to round 2!